I have a hard time distinguishing between "self-care"
and "selfishness" in my life.
To me there has always been a fine line drawn between the two. How do you take care of "self"
without being "selfish"?
As a middle child and a people pleaser, often what I wanted,
and at times what I needed, was overshadowed by the needs of others around me. Maybe it was my own fault. I didn't want to make a scene. I didn't want to "appear" selfish. Sometimes it really didn't matter enough to
make a big deal out of it. But little by
little, self, and what I needed took the back seat, and now I'm at a point in
my life where I struggle with knowing how to do those things that I need to do
-- FOR ME.
Now, don't misunderstand me -- I fully understand that when
"SELF" takes over -- when "SELF" becomes the primary focus
-- TROUBLE is waiting to happen! Nothing
good comes from pride and selfishness. We
are instructed in Scripture to "not merely look out for your own
personal interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians
2:4) The Bible also says "Pride goes before destruction,
And a haughty spirit before stumbling." (Proverbs 16:18) I'm not talking about becoming self-absorbed,
self-sufficient, or neglecting those around me to do those things that please
me. (If I could even figure out what
those things are!) I'm talking about
taking the time to do those things I need to do to take care of myself so I can
be the person God created me to be.
Being a minister's wife for 31 years, and a mother of three children
(who are now grown), provided plenty of opportunities for me to put "self"
on the back burner. Any mother with
small children knows that even taking time for a shower, or having a
conversation with another adult without constant interruption can sometimes
seem impossible. The needs and wants of children can be
overwhelming. During those years, I
rarely took time for myself. I didn't
know that I could, actually! (I did shower
though -- most days, anyway!) So I say to young mothers -- take a little time for "you" to refresh yourself so
you can be the mom you need to be for your little ones! But even as I write that, I feel a twinge of
the old "guilt" -- a little voice saying, "Now, don't be
selfish. Don't take TOO much time for
yourself!" (I may need to see a
counselor!)
Being in the ministry can also take its toll. Guilt often
accompanies "self-care" when you talk about it in relationship to working
in a church setting. Some members
wonder why ministers even need a day off during the week-- hey, everyone knows the preacher only works on Sunday! But there are a variety of things during the
week and on weekends that arise and
drain the energy of pastors (and their families). If you don't take time to care for "yourself"
you end up burning out and becoming resentful.
My husband and I were thankful to
be able to learn some important lessons a few years ago about self-care at a
minister's retreat called SonScape. They
taught us some valuable lessons that we need to remind ourselves of when ministry gets
busy.
I remember a time, in the early years of ministry, when we
were about to go on vacation. I was so
proud of myself for getting everything ready on time. (I was usually still packing
at 2:00 am for our 6:00 am departure) This time it was different. I was so looking forward to getting away from
all the stress, that I made it a point to do things early. I not only was packed, but everything was
LOADED IN THE CAR! We were completely
ready to leave bright and early in the morning. I couldn't believe it! And then it happened! The phone rang.....a church member had passed
away. My mind began to race. What did that mean? I didn't handle things
well at the time. I still remember my
husband taking me by the shoulders, looking me straight in the eye and saying
very slowly -- "SOMEONE DIED -- We are still going on vacation, but it
will just be a couple of days from now."
I'm embarrassed to say that at that exact moment I didn't really care
that "SOMEONE DIED". What
about me??? What about my plans that
JUST DIED. I've matured a little since
then, but in a way, in my mind I began to associate thinking about my needs as
being "unspiritual". After all,
Jesus put the needs of others first. Thinking about "me" is wrong. Putting my needs aside is the
"spiritual" thing to do.
"Others first, me second, third, last -- or maybe not even at
all".
I've realized lately that yes, meeting the needs of others
is important. Thinking of self less is
necessary to live in harmony with those around you. But there are times when I have to be bold and
realize I have to express a need. There
are times when I need help. ( I have to let someone know.) Times I need to be refreshed. (I need to take time away from the stressors) I have to acknowledge my needs are important too. I need to exercise (instead of deeming it less
important than getting the laundry done).
I need to eat right (not so others won't judge me for the way I look but
because I want to be healthy). I need to
find something I enjoy doing (so I won't become a grumpy old woman). But that last one is one of the toughest
obstacles in my life right now. I don't
even know what I enjoy doing anymore.
So now, as my "baby" has gotten married and my
nest has officially become empty, I'm thinking it's time to get to know
"me" again. It's a scary
proposition. I don't want to do it. I feel "guilty" doing it. But I really need to. And if anyone else has experienced these feelings
and have made it to the other side, please let me know how YOU did it. I need
to discover what God has for me in this next phase of life. I NEED all the help I can get! Let the "journey" begin!
(Oh..... and I had a good laugh just now!! As I'm writing this, I glanced at the clock
and thought -- I really should be making dinner INSTEAD of writing this! Where is that counselor when you need one!!)
